


My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend, and Me 420: The Search For A Better Weed Number

by Alienea, pleasekalemenow



Series: I can’t believe you guys made an NSFW musical about my trauma [2]
Category: The Bifrost Incident - The Mechanisms (Album), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Humor, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Lyfrassir Edda, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Trans Marius, a whole lot of me sticking "space" before existing things, but like, but you don't have to have read that to understand this? mostly?, except hozier. hozier is immortal and thus needs not be given the "space" modifier, except like. way toned back, idk what to say man three boyfriends make functionally mbmbam, lmk if y'all need anything else tagged, look I KNOW y’all see Nyarl and look away but I promise you’ll like this fic, not present, offscreen, set in nva canon, something to consider, tbh there's a lot more violinspector content than nyarl content so, that's not relevant I just want u all to know he's not cis, written like a podcast transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28521093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alienea/pseuds/Alienea, https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasekalemenow/pseuds/pleasekalemenow
Summary: We know what you're saying. Why would we need a better weed number? Well, we hear you, and the answer: we don't, really. Suggested talking points: Space Weed Goonies, the mortifying ordeal of being Perceived, the legality of avian bodyguards, the potential merits of dogs for sniffing out drug use (which definitely hasn't been considered by law enforcement before), and insensitive lube flavors.---OR, what happens when you start wondering what it would be like if Lyf and Marius started a podcast with their new outer god partner. (Madness.) Set post-No Violins Allowed canon.
Relationships: Lyfrassir Edda & Marius von Raum, Lyfrassir Edda & Nyarlathotep (Cthulhu Mythos), Lyfrassir Edda/Marius von Raum, Lyfrassir Edda/Nyarlathotep (Cthulhu Mythos), Marius von Raum/Lyfrassir Edda/Nyarlathotep, Marius von Raum/Nyarlathotep, basically just. everyone is dating but I'm only tagging the more relevant relationships, offscreen implied polymechs, offscreen prison mechs, offscreen prison mechs + lyf
Series: I can’t believe you guys made an NSFW musical about my trauma [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089785
Comments: 30
Kudos: 50





	My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend, and Me 420: The Search For A Better Weed Number

**My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend, and Me 420** : The Search For A Better Weed Number

 **Intro** : 

**Brian** : The boyfriends are not experts, and their advice is absolute shite. Marius insists he has a PhD in oral sex, but I know for a fact that Ashes forged his degree. Also, this show isn’t for kids, or people with lives, which I mention only because I know that no one who’s found it on the dark web could possibly be weeded out by either of those restrictions. What’s up, you fucking nerds?

[theme music plays, to the tune of “Tales To Be Told”]: Like Gwyneth fuckin’ Pal-ta-row, we’ll give you bad advice / so sit your sorry asses down and tell us of your vice! / For space is vast, and shit is fucked, it’s such a batshit world / But our inboxes are open, let your awkward shit unfurl!

 **Nyarl:** [multilayered, eldritch horror voice] GREETINGS MORTALS, AND WELCOME TO-

 **Lyf:** [laughing] What is that? What are you doing?

 **Nyarl** : [eldritch horror voice] I’m- not sure to what you are referring.

 **Marius** : [cackling]

 **Lyf** : That _voice,_ what is- what are you going for there, my thude?

 **Nyral** : [eldritch] It’s- [normally] I’m doing the intro! I don’t know what you’re talking about-

 **Marius** : They’re talking about the dumb voice you were just doing.

 **Nyarl** : [pouting] That’s rude. Calling my voice dumb is rude. 

**Lyf** : What’s rude is wasting our good audience’s time with bits that don’t go anywhere. 

**Nyarl** : Okay you don’t know what I was planning but fine. We can be boring. [monotone] Welcome to My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend, and Me-

 **Lyf** : Do it for real-

 **Nyarl** : [normally] -an advice show that you shouldn’t be wasting your time on. I’m your eldest god, Nyarlathotep-

 **Marius** : I’m your middlest Mech, Marius-

 **Lyf** : And I’m your sweet baby shrimp, Lyfrassir!

 **Marius** : I’d just like to start off by addressing the elephant in the room.

 **Lyf** : ...aaaand Nyarl has just turned into a small elephant. 

**Marius** : Ignore xir! We need to [crosstalk] talk about-

 **Nyarl** : [crosstalk] Aww why are you ignoring Dumbo? Didn’t you see the Space Disney film, he’s a very sad elephant-

 **Marius** : You are only the first four letters of Dumbo, now can I PLEASE get through the intro. 

**Lyf** : Stop interrupting the bit, Nyarl. 

**Nyarl** : Oh, the hypocrisy…

 **Marius** : [deep sigh] See this is- now some of you were speculating that we were going to prepare a special episode for this, our four hundred and twentieth episode, but as you can see this was clearly not the case. 

**Nyarl** : You don’t know what I had prepared for _my_ opening bit but go on.

 **Marius** : ...So what _I_ want to talk about is- WHY are we still using 420 as the number to associate with weed?

 **Lyf** : Wait are you not gonna address the elephant in the room first?

 **Marius** : It was the episode 420 thing, dear, _Nyarl_ just threw off my momentum. 

**Nyarl** : _Damn_ but it sure is comfortable under this bus. 

**Lyf** : [laughing] Ah, I’m- okay, sorry love, do continue. 

**Marius** :I mean I kinda... _said_ my thing, but-

 **Lyf** : Oh was that it?

 **Marius** : I mean I _did_ some research so I could fuckin’ _tell_ you why we use 420 as the weed number but we sometimes like to tell jokes on this show so like-

 **Lyf** : Listen, I think jokes is our next stop, but first why don’t you take us to information station?

 **Marius** : Alright, well, brace yourselves because this isn’t going to be particularly funny. 

**Lyf** : Alright. 

**Nyarl** : I have fashioned myself into a seatbelt for Lyfrassir, go on, we’re bracing. 

**Marius** : Basically these five teens set 4:20 as their meeting time to go on a treasure hunt their weed dealer set up and it eventually became a code phrase for them when they just wanted to blaze it. [beat] Actually now that I’m saying that out loud it sounds _way_ more exciting than it actually was. [Lyf and Nyarl laughing] It’s! Basically just the dealer gave them a map to where they would hook the teens up with weed and- stop _looking_ at me like that, I really don’t think it-

 **Lyf** : Holy fucking _shit_ Marius _it’s a weed treasure hunt._

**Marius** : [playfully annoyed] No, it’s- if _anything_ it’s like fucking _geocaching_ because you don’t just _take_ the weed, you gotta leave a little something, too- I _really_ don’t think it was an exciting thing except for the part where they got weed at the end. 

**Lyf** : _Unless…_

 **Nyarl** : Unless…?

 **Lyf** : ...Marius. 

**Marius** : [deep sigh] Unless?

 **Lyf** : Unless their dealer was Space One-Eyed Willy. 

**Nyarl** : Ohohoh…I like this narrative premise. So you’re saying-

 **Lyf** : The teens were trying to find this treasure of weed to save their beloved family home, yes. 

**Nyarl** : Interesting...was there also a trio of bumbling goons on the run from the law who heard there was weed and decided that was worth murdering teens over, then?

 **Lyf** : Oh absolutely. 

**Nyarl** : Everyone wants to talk about how weed is a gateway drug, but they’re picturing, like, heroin, when what they should be worried about is it being a gateway drug to murder. 

**Lyf** : See you’re right, but people are too fucking scared to talk about that. Marius, darling, you’re being awfully quiet, mind opening the shutters so we may peer into your mind palace?

 **Marius** : [quiet sigh] I just- I had a thing I wanted to do. 

**Lyf** : Oh I’m sorry, do you not want to discuss our Space Weed Goonies remake?

 **Marius** : [strained] _No see that’s very good though is the issue._

 **Lyf** : [cackling] I know, it’s too good, we might have to quit our day jobs of being gods and or space pirates and pitch this to Space Netflix. 

**Nyarl** : They’ve been picking up plenty of old properties lately anyway. 

**Marius** : Yeah…[beat] So is their weed dealer then dead in this scenario?

 **Nyarl** : Oh they’ve gotta be. 

[murmurs of general agreement]

 **Marius** : ...Am I allowed to do the thing I was gonna do now?

 **Lyf** : Yes, Marius, freedom is yours. 

**Marius** : _Thank you_ . Now, my question is this: why the _fuck_ are we still using this number for weed. I had fully assumed it was like- that it had some sort of historical significance as a time when people would smoke, and I was gonna get a bunch of [stupid asshole voice] “well, actually-“ [normally] Space Tweets the moment this episode went up. But it’s just some fuckin’ teens, I just- people are still at _work_ at 4:20 in most places, they don’t have the freedom to blaze it!

 **Lyf** : So what you’re proposing is that we pick a new weed number?

 **Marius** : That’s exactly what I’m proposing, thank you Lyfrassir. 

**Nyarl** : And did you have any suggestions in mind, or are you putting this burden on us?

 **Marius** : It’s hardly a _burden_ , and if it is, it’s for a good cause.

 **Lyf** : So that’s a no on him having suggestions in mind, then. I guess I can start off with the obvious.

 **Marius** : And what would that be, Mx. I’ve-Never-Met-A-Weed-In-My-Life? 

**Lyf** : _Five_ twenty.

 **Marius** : [baffled wheezing] I-

 **Nyarl** : [restrained chuckling] Explain.

 **Lyf** : I just think, you know, it’s pretty close to 420, but way more people will be off work by 5:20-

 **Marius** : So you want people hotboxing on their commute home, then.

 **Lyf** : I mean! I don’t see why not!

 **Marius** : Do you want me to link you the studies on how it impairs driving?

 **Nyarl** : I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Marius von Raum, full-time space pirate, part-time buzzkill-

 **Lyf** : [cackling]

 **Marius** : [laughing] Now that’s- that isn’t fair! I’m just-

 **Nyarl** : And Lyfrassir Edda, former Transport Police, current advocate of hotboxing on commutes.

 **Lyf** : [indignantly] If everyone just switches over to self-driving cars, then-

 **Marius** : Doesn’t matter we aren’t doing 520. That’s ridiculous.

 **Lyf** : Okay, then, what’s _your_ suggestion?

 **Marius** : [flirtatious] Well, 69 is a pretty good number…

 **Lyf** : [exasperated] Try again.

 **Marius** : [pouty] I have a semi-serious number, but I already know it’s bad.

 **Nyarl** : Tell us then, coward.

 **Marius** : [beat] 25293 48. 

**Lyf** : [incredulously laughing] What?

 **Marius** : It’s...I mean. “Blaze it” if you typed it into a space phone. 

**Lyf** : [snickering] Marius, that’s just…

 **Marius** : It’s fucking stupid, I know.

 **Nyarl** : I like it.

 **Marius** : [surprised laugh] Excuse me?

 **Nyarl** : Yeah, I’m just picturing Lyfrassir in plain clothes approaching someone on the street and saying, “Ha, Twenty-five thousand, two hundred and ninety-three forty-eight, amirite fellow youths?”

 **Lyf** : [indignant sputtering]

 **Marius** : [uncontrolled laughter]

 **Lyf** : That’s _so_ unfair-

 **Marius** : [wheezing] _It’s perfect holy fucking shit._

 **Nyarl** : It’s amazing but also too powerful. Lyf was bad enough with the standard slang, I think.

 **Lyf** : [petulantly] S’rude.

 **Marius** : You’re right, dear, and I’m sorry. I do have another idea, though, I think it’s gonna be the perfect weed number.

 **Lyf** : And what’s that?

 **Marius** : 420.

 **Lyf** : [crosstalk] Oh yeah, that’s good.

 **Nyarl** : [crosstalk] Pretty much knocked it out of the park there, yeah.

 **Marius** : Anyway, do we wanna do a question?

 **Lyf** : Yeah sure, I think that’s one of the things we do on this show.

 **Marius** : Dear boyfriends, I'm an artist. A little while back, I drew what I would describe as a tasteful Space 1940s-style pinup of a male character I like. I am a lesbian, so this was a joke, not something I did because I thought it was hot. The man who plays this character retweeted my drawing, which would be great, except that his family saw it, which is a consequence I had not considered. A woman who I think is his sister replied to it with confusion, and someone I'm pretty sure is his dad liked her reply. I really appreciate this content creator, but I am concerned that he or his father may have horribly misunderstood the nature of that appreciation. How do I sleep at night? Sincerely, Self-Conscious Sapphic in Space Sweden.

 **Nyarl** : Hm…

 **Lyf** : So there’s...a _lot_ to unpack here, yeah?

 **Marius** : Yeaaaah.

 **Lyf** : I guess my first question is- did you _tag_ him? Like, was he looking for it? Because it’s one thing-

 **Nyarl** : [crosstalk] No no no no no-

 **Lyf** : [crosstalk] -if he just like, scrolled the character tag, that’s on him-

 **Nyarl** : That doesn’t _matter_ , Lyfrassir. If this person was the sort of sociopath to tag a celebrity in pinup art drawn of them, then they wouldn’t be in any way distressed about this outcome. 

**Marius** : _God_ I just wish you’d told us what the caption was.

 **Lyf** : [wistfully] Yeah…

 **Marius** : Just...that really changes so much, doesn’t it? Like, if you captioned it something jokey or horny-

 **Nyarl** : That’s the most important variable, yeah.

[beat]

 **Marius** : I mean, they absolutely cannot tweet at him again, right?

 **Lyf** : Absolutely not. That makes it- makes it much worse, I feel.

 **Nyarl** : Unless…

 **Marius** : Unless?

 **Lyf** : Unless?

 **Nyarl** : How long has it been since the initial tweet?

 **Lyf** : Oh, that’s a good point. Because if it was like- if it was super recent, maybe you could…[trails off]

 **Marius** : Maybe you could what, _älskling?_

**Lyf** : No, I was wrong actually, because even though it does get worse to respond the longer you let it sit, there is no amount of quickness that would make anything you could say about it _not_ weird. Like. The moment you respond it’s instantly so much less casual.

 **Nyarl** : Mm, yeah, and at this point- _generously_ you emailed us as soon as this happened, it took us a week to get to it, it’ll take another few days to post this. That’s already an unforgivable amount of time.

 **Marius** : [laughing] So you’re saying if they had responded _immediately_ with “but wait, I’m a lesbian,” that would have made it okay?

 **Lyf** : [laughing] No, that’s- _gods_ that’s even worse, I feel!

 **Nyarl** : Basically the correct course of action is retroactively saying something aggressively no-hetero in the caption, but I also refuse to help with that because I am already tracing this fucking delicious chaos to its source for my me.

 **Lyf** : Yeah…

 **Marius** : Normally I’d say you can move, but like, there aren’t a whole lot of places you’d probably be willing and able to move where you could escape Space Twitter. And there’s nowhere you can hide from your own hubris, you’re stuck with that.

 **Lyf** : [snorts] And he would know!

 **Marius** : [cheerfully] I would!

 **Nyarl** : He would…

[beat]

 **Marius** : God, I’m sorry, you fucked up. I don’t know how to cope aside from maybe reinventing yourself, or like, doing other shit that’s so much more wild that you don’t have any mental energy to come to terms with what you’ve done.

 **Lyf** : Yeah, that would work, I think. Do we want a Spyahoo?

 **Nyarl** : I would love that, _min räka._

 **Lyf** : This one comes from Spyahoo Answers user “Joshua,” and let me just say, it’s so refreshing to see someone using a name that, like, a person might use on here. Anyway, Joshua asks, “I had a dream last night where a ghost told me how they died?”

 **Nyarl** : [beat] What-

 **Lyf** : I had a dream last night where a ghost told me how they died?

 **Marius** : Are there- _any_ additional details? Or-

 **Lyf** : I’m so glad you asked, my darling, because there absolutely the fuck are. Additional details: “‘They said, a Splaystation fell on me on November 3, 2003.’ Is this real or what? I don’t-” uh, “don,” space, “t understand, please help.”

 **Marius** : Well! At least they actually told us the important thing for once, I probably would have lost my mind if they hadn’t told us how the ghost died.

 **Lyf** : Oh, absolutely.

 **Nyarl** : I mean...I won’t say it _wasn’t_ real. 

**Marius** : [whispered] Is this the real life?

 **Lyf** : There are absolutely some wacky fucking dreams I’ve had which have ended up being real! So like.

 **Marius** : [louder, sung] Is this just fantasy?

 **Nyarl** : Yeah, I won’t say it’s not real. 

**Lyf** : Spyahoo Answers user WinterRose doesn’t seem to be having that problem, though! They responded, “It is a DREAM, not reality, so no this didn’t happen in real life, though I am sure many people died in November 2003.” 

**Marius** : [laughing] Well, I’m glad they clarified, I was going to think that no one died in November of 2003.

 **Nyarl** : That would have been intolerable, yeah. 

**Lyf** : Was the ghost, maybe, a person from your past? Or a significant historical figure? Did they try to convince you, either before or after they told you how they died, to join the Key and the Gate?

 **Marius** : [giggling] “Quit your job.” “Why?” “Join my Splaystation cult.”

 **Lyf** : [laughing] Gods if only I’d been invited to a Splaystation cult.

 **Nyarl** : If you want a Splaystation cult, you could probably form one. You have the power.

 **Lyf** : Fuck, you’re right. This is too much power.

 **Marius** : [sotto voce] Hey kid, if you wanna get to Mantis Shrimp Heaven, you’ve gotta join my Splaystation cult.

 **Lyf** : [cackling]

 **Nyarl** : I’m absolutely stealing that, thank you.

 **Marius** : [snorts] Space Christ.

[beat]

 **Lyf** : Do you chucklefucks want to hear someone actually help this person?

 **Marius** : [crosstalk] Yeah.

 **Nyarl** : [crosstalk] Oh, please.

 **Lyf** : So this help comes from an anonymous Spyahoo Answers user, which is- given the content of their answer, I’m obsessed with. Anyway, they’re anonymous, I’m gonna call them god, god says: [clears throat] “A Splaystation would have needed to have fallen from a great height to cause death. The probability of a playstation falling from this height and actually hitting someone with enough blunt force to kill them is highly improbable.”

 **Marius** : Alright...

 **Lyf** : “HOWEVER. [beat] If you are obsessed with Splaystation, perhaps this is a prophetic vision, [crosstalk] where your subconscious is trying to tell you that you play the game too much, ignore your schoolwork and all other responsibility, and should start getting out, educated, and prepared for the real world, or you are headed for a fate worse than death - poverty and homelessness. Thank the ghost for me.”

 **Marius** : [crosstalk] _What?_

 **Nyarl** : [sounds of disbelief interspersed with laughs]

 **Lyf** : So that’s god’s advice. 

**Nyarl** : That is _not_ my advice.

 **Lyf** : [laughing] It- yeah, sorry, heretical of me.

 **Nyarl** : I forgive you. Smooch.

 **Lyf** : Smooch.

 **Marius** : I’m just...what the fuck?

 **Lyf** : Yeah, that seems an appropriate response.

 **Marius** : I don’t remember _this_ from _Space Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_.

 **Lyf** : Yeah me neither- _[punch squad riff]._

 **Marius** : Oh?

 **Nyarl** : Did you hear something?

 **Lyf** : Yeah I think it’s- _[full punch squad riff]. I wanna punch!_

 **Marius** : [overlapping] [enthused] Squad!

 **Nyarl** : [overlapping] [inquisitive] Squad!

 **Lyf** : _[punch squad riff] I want! To! Punch!_

 **Nyarl & Marius**: Squad!

 **Lyf** : _[punch squad riff]_ Hello and welcome to Punch Squad, a spodcast within a spodcast, where we review the latest fights which have broken out on the Aurora and their outcomes. 

**Nyarl** : Good me, Marius, you look like you’re about to blast off.

 **Marius** : Perhaps I am!!

 **Nyarl** : For the listeners at home, von Raum looks like he’s about to vibrate out of his chair. 

**Lyf** : I can guess why. Marius, do you perhaps want to steal my job?

 **Marius** : I’m so glad you offered because I was absolutely going to interrupt either way. The reigning tyrant, Ashes O’Reilly, has been dethroned at last.

 **Nyarl** : [innocently] Oh, did Brian kick their ass?

 **Marius** : [indignantly] No, I- it was me! It was obviously me, Nyarl.

 **Nyarl** : [teasing] I’m not sure why that would be obvious.

 **Marius** : You’re a bully.

 **Lyf** : [amused] Indeed, just earlier today my dear bastard boy finally burned Ashes pretty bad. And not with words, as he so often tries to count on this program-

 **Nyarl** : Wait wait wait.

 **Lyf** : I’m waiting?

 **Nyarl** : Marius.

 **Marius** : I’m- that’s me, yeah?

 **Nyarl** : You burned Ashes O’Reilly?

 **Marius** : Yes?

 **Nyarl** : Like, with fire?

 **Marius** : ...Yes?

 **Nyarl** : Doesn’t count.

 **Marius** : [indignantly] What do you mean, it doesn’t-

 **Lyf** : No no, let’s hear nym out.

 **Marius** : [huffs] Fine. Why, pray tell, doesn’t it count? We were in the kitchen, I had the gas going, they came in to kick my ass for reasons which are not relevant at this time, I lit a match-

 **Lyf** : [hushed tones, near microphone] He stole their favorite strap.

 **Marius** : Hey!

 **Nyarl** : Marius, Ashes O’Reilly has propositioned me on multiple occasions, asking me to set them ablaze eternally.

[brief silence]

 **Nyarl** : ...So I don’t think the fire was exactly a threat or-

 **Marius** : [defeatedly] No I get the logic, Nyarl.

 **Lyf** : There, there, Marius.

 **Marius** : I just want to have _something_ , you know?

 **Lyf** : You have me!

 **Marius** : [endeared] I do have you, yeah.

 **Nyarl** : [casually] Y’don’t have a victory against Ashes, though.

 **Marius** : [long-suffering sigh]

 **Lyf** : Marius, would you like to drown your troubles in those of another?

 **Marius** : Please.

 **Lyf** : “Hey boyfriends, My sister sent me a birthday present today and it was a pair of blue jeans. Here's the dilemma. They fit really well, which is rare because of how weirdly shaped my body is. But the problem is the way the jeans are made makes my ass completely disappear. Tragic. Should I return them or not look a gift horse in the ass?”

 **Marius** : I know this exact feeling.

 **Lyf** : They have an addendum: “TO BE CLEAR: the problem is most certainly NOT my ass. My ass is outstanding. It's the fit of the pants that are the issue.” And that’s from “Feeling Blue.”

 **Marius** : Finally, a question I’m actually qualified to help with. [quickly] Aside from, of course, psychology and medicine-

 **Lyf** : Of course.

 **Nyarl** : I don’t know if you’re qualified for this one, actually, Marius?

 **Marius** : I- why? What makes you say that?

 **Nyarl** : The question asker made it very clear that they have an outstanding ass.

[beat]

 **Marius** : Oh, it’s fucking _on-_

 **Lyf** : [laughing] Marius, sweetheart-

 **Marius** : Welcome to our first ever _live episode_ of Punch Squad, there are about to be _two_ god-killers in this room-

 **Lyf** : [laughing harder] Marius!

[scuffling noises, howling wolves, the sound of your own heartbeat, a scream that somehow sounds exactly like the person you most love. Silence.]

 **Nyarl** : ...There has been a victor.

 **Lyf** : Did you _have_ to get that messy?

 **Nyarl** : [unbothered] I couldn’t risk him coming back to life in time to hear me admit that he has a really incredible ass.

 **Lyf** : Ah, yeah, that’s fair. His head doesn’t need to get any larger.

 **Nyarl** : [solemnly] Nor does that ass.

 **Lyf** : Indeed. I. Uh. We’ve gotten pretty off-topic.

 **Nyarl** : I think the answer is pretty clear- you like the fit of the pants, yeah? Just designate them comfy jeans, and wear them with, like, long sweaters, shirts, cardigans, shawls-

 **Lyf** : Why would you own pants that make your ass look bad, Nyarl, when there are other options? Assuming question asker is not a cop. Cops legally cannot have good asses.

 **Nyarl** : It’s true. Your ass was horrible until you quit your job, by default.

 **Lyf** : Cops should have to wear empty bacon packages taped together over their asses, I think.

 **Nyarl** : Absolutely. Hey Lyf?

 **Lyf** : Yes, _kära mörker?_

 **Nyarl** : Is it possible that Marius is the one who kept us on the rails all this time?

 **Lyf** : It’s terrifyingly plausible, yes!

 **Nyarl** : Damn. Okay. I’m cheating, we need our braincell back.

[beat]

 **Marius** : [gasps] HAUNTED DOLL WATCH!

 **Lyf** : [startled chuckling] What the fuck?

 **Marius** : I have had a vision and I want to see if it was correct- I must know-

 **Nyarl** : Marius, what the fuck are you on about?

 **Marius** : I had a vision as I was in limbo, of the Toy Solider feeding Jonny’s belts to the octokittens. I need to know. Nyarl. I need you to go watch the haunted doll. Tell me what it’s doing.

 **Nyarl** : [bemused] Alright.

[sound of spacetime warping, pause]

 **Lyf** : You feeling better, dear?

 **Marius** : I mean, aside from the death boner, yes. And the death boner would be fine were we not recording a podded caste.

 **Lyf** : I understand.

[sound of a chaste kiss] [sound of spacetime warping]

 **Nyarl** : Really? Right in front of my microphone?

 **Marius** : It’s my microphone.

 **Nyarl** : Your death vision was incorrect, Marius; unless Brian’s seminal fluids contain his prophetic power, I don’t think TS is planning on provoking Jonny soon.

 **Lyf** : Please gods never say “seminal fluids” again.

 **Nyarl** : Oh, I will. When you least want me to.

 **Marius** : [disappointed] I see. Well, where was it, then?

 **Nyarl** : It's lurking on top of the fridge again. Apparently "this house is a fucking nightmare," although from the cheerful tone I'm not sure it actually believes that.

 **Lyf** : Oh, it discovered Spine. Good for it. 

**Marius** : Indeed. I gotta say, guys, I could really use some help funding my medical expenses from my gruesome death at the hands of my godliest boyfriend, Nyarl. 

**Nyarl** : My condolences. Would you like me to make up for it by telling you about one of Mx. O’Reilly’s shell corporations?

 **Marius** : Please. 

**Nyarl** : Today we are sponsored in part by Flashpaper, which, again, big thank you to Ashes for that. We will not provide any additional information, as requested, so they can attempt to claim this as a tax-deductible donation. Best of luck with that, Ashes. Lyfrassir, would you like to tell our listeners about our next sponsor?

 **Lyf** : We are also sponsored today by Stitchfix. It’s a great service that allows you to reinvigorate your personal brand, by which I of course mean your wardrobe. All you have to do is fill out a survey and Stitchfix matches you with your personal stylist, who is invariably Jonny d’Ville, and he will help you work out a great look that- um, it says here in the ad copy, [in the same tone] “does not contain too many belts, shut up, Brian.”

 **Marius** : I actually need to pop in here and say that I personally can _not_ endorse Stitchfix, on account of the fact that since I signed up for the service Tim has stopped shooting me for fashion crimes. Which is incredibly disheartening- that was one of the only regular activities we had scheduled together. What happened to us, Tim?

 **Lyf** : All you need to do to stop being shot by a gorgeous man for fashion crimes is go to Stitchfix dot com slash my boyfriend, all one word, again, that’s Stitchfix dot com slash my boyfriend. Marius, you look like you have something you really want to talk about, care to enlighten all of us?

 **Marius** : I would love to, my sexy little bottom feeder. 

**Lyf** : That’s a month.

 **Marius** : It was a calculated decision. Anyway, our next sponsor is-

 **Nyarl** : A month? _What’s_ a month?

 **Lyf** : Oh, see, a month is a unit of time measuring approximately-

 **Marius** : Lyf said that every time I called him a bottom feeder I gave up the right to get my bottom fed on for a month. So-

 **Nyarl** : Oh my me?

 **Lyf** : Marius, we did _not_ need to-

 **Marius** : It’s fine, now our listeners can confidently know that I won’t have my ass ate in the near future, which I’m sure is a great reassurance to many of them. Our next sponsor who will almost certainly be pulling funding is Audible. My biggest gripe with Audible is the although we write stories you listen to, you cannot listen to our stories on Audible, because they’re “only for audiobooks” or whatever the fuck. Well, I have news for you, Audible: I’m writing our stories down in book form so that our albums count as audiobooks. Check and mate. 

**Lyf** : Also, uh, they have a variety of excellent audiobooks, and-

 **Nyarl** : Lyfrassir, there is no conceivable way we are still being paid for this ad. Let’s just move on. 

**Lyf** : But we might still-

 **Marius** : [loudly] I’ve got a Spyahoo!

 **Lyf** : [sighs]

 **Nyarl** : Please, do go on. 

**Marius** : This one’s from user Herbert Windt, and, uh- considering the content of this question, I’m. I cannot believe this person seems to have used their entire name, but I respect them as my kin. Herb asks: “Can a dog tell when you are on meth, somehow?”

 **Lyf** : Huh. 

**Nyarl** : Any further details?

 **Marius** : No, and I don’t think any are needed.

 **Lyf** : I have to say, dear, it’s a bit concerning that you just identified this individual as your kin, considering…

 **Marius** : Eh, listen, I figure this person is either a writer or a person who has done meth, and either way-

 **Lyf** : Wait, you’ve done-

 **Nyarl** : [laughing] Lyfrassir. Does that surprise you?

 **Lyf** : I. Suppose not. Just- huh. 

**Marius** : Yeah, it’s basically- since I can’t die. It’s basically just heavy duty ADHD meds. 

**Lyf** : [busting a fucking gut] Oh my gods?????

 **Marius** : I don’t do it often? Just because- I mean, the headache. Woof. But- you’re laughing. I’m telling you about my medicinal meth use, and you’re laughing. 

**Lyf** : [still in hysterics] Yes, I am. 

**Nyarl** : Do you ever recall when we used to answer questions on this programme?

 **Marius** : No, never. 

**Nyarl** : Well, I do, and I propose a return to that. 

**Lyf** : A controversial proposition, Nyarl.

 **Nyarl** : I am nothing if not controversial. I am just out here, suggesting we actually try to help this person find out if their job can narc on them-

[a loud sound of one metal and one flesh hand slapping a table]

 **Marius** : You son of a bitch, I’m in. Let’s do this.

 **Lyf** : [laughing]

 **Nyarl** : Finally. So, what is your-

 **Marius** : FIRST OF ALL. You have moved the goalposts with your question of dog narcing. Dogs are loyal as fuck and they would absolutely never narc. This is merely a question of whether your dog is going to know, and have whatever resultant emotional responses to that- be that jealousy, concern-

 **Lyf** : He’s right.

 **Nyarl** : You’re right. Then, presumably, you have an answer?

 **Marius** : Yes. I am going to agree with, apparently, most of the Spyahoo Answers community, and say that dogs can absolutely smell when you are high. Their noses are fucking impressive, and all of my psychological studies of dogs have indicated that they are deeply perceptive.

 **Lyf** : (vaguely puzzled) All of your…?

 **Marius** : You heard me.

 **Lyf** : I. Certainly did.

 **Nyarl** : And he’s right.

 **Marius** : Thank you, Nyarl. Lyfrassir, my darling shrimp, you mentioned you received a question for us to your personal spemail?

 **Lyf** : I did! A breach of protocol, but I will allow it, given the pressing nature of the question. Now, this person asks, “Hey, boyfriends. I kissed my boyfriend after he ate me out the other day-”

 **Nyarl** : Good for them.

 **Lyf** : (suppressing chuckles) “...and he tasted like fucking cocktail sauce.”

 **Nyarl** : (busting an entire gut)

 **Marius** : (deafeningly silent)

 **Lyf** : They continue “Naturally, I was terrified. Come to find out he had one of our partners make a lube that tasted like cocktail sauce as part of an elaborate joke. Do I dump him or embrace his horseradish and bullshit?” And that’s from-

 **Marius** : (either distressed or frustrated; difficult to tell) I know who the fuck it’s _from,_ Lyfrassir. Is this what we’ve come to? Airing our personal grievances on our professional podcast that, as far as we know, at _least_ three people listen to?

 **Lyf** : (innocently) Oh, I’m sorry, does this bear some small resemblance to any fucking loony things you may have done in the bedroom recently?

 **Marius** : (now clearly distressed) Are you breaking up with me?

 **Lyf** : The question asker has come to _us_ to answer the question of whether they should dump their boyfriend. It’s-

 **Marius** : They shouldn’t! I’m sure he thought he was doing something he could have a delightful little giggle about at no harm to his partner-

 **Lyf** : SHRIMP FUCKING COCKTAIL, MARIUS?

 **Marius** : You don’t understand!

 **Lyf** : I don’t!! You’re right!!

 **Marius** : (clearly disheartened) Babe please don’t dump me. It was just so intellectually satisfying knowing that I was eating shrimp cocktail and you were getting off on it. Shrimp cocktail and you getting off are two of my favorite things anyway.

 **Lyf** : (absolutely incredulous, but not angry) [assorted consonant sounds] What the absolute fucking fuck are you on about?? What is wrong with you?

 **Nyarl** : Do you want the list? I can go with alphabetical order or by category.

 **Lyf** : No, I just want my boyfriend not to draw constant comparisons to me and various popular seafood dishes in a sexual context. I really thought we were past this after the shrimp scampi thing.

 **Nyarl** : What shrimp scampi thing?

 **Marius** : I can wholeheartedly assure you that the chaos you’ll siphon from our listeners not knowing will be infinitely more satisfying than any answer I could give you.

 **Nyarl** : Hm. Reasonable.

 **Lyf** : Anyway. I don’t think the boyfriend in question should be dumped, but Raphaella la Cognizi, your days are numbered. I’m making a lube that tastes like lemon pepper because you’re going to be a spit-roasted chicken.

 **Marius** : That sounds fair enough.

 **Nyarl** : I’m so glad this little lover’s quarrel has wrapped up, because it’s time-

 **Lyf** : [off-mic] Oh, gods.

 **Nyarl** : -for Play Along At Home! Hello, questionably dear reader.

 **Marius** : Nyarl. This is an audio medium. We post the transcripts, but-

 **Nyarl** : (more firmly) Hello, readers and queers, liars and gays, we are the boyfriends. And this is MY segment so Marius you’re going to get all the way off my ass about it.

 **Marius** : (quietly) You don’t… have an ass right now.

 **Nyarl** : Maybe I would bother to _have_ one if you would get all the way off of it.

 **Marius** : Hm.

 **Nyarl** : Are you, my beloved boyfriends, ready for the first question?

 **Lyf** : Sure.

 **Marius** : [sighs] Alright.

 **Nyarl** : (obnoxiously theatrical) Now, don’t be _too_ enthused! The first one’s a real soft pitch. Here it is: when was Hozier born?

 **Lyf** : Hm.

 **Marius** : I… hm.

 **Nyarl** : Come now, not even going to guess? Think of our dear readers, trying to play along at home?

 **Marius** : I’m gonna say. 1990?

[buzzer sound]

 **Marius** : [sighs]

 **Nyarl** : It was a trick question! Hozier was never born, and has always existed! Hozier is both the inception of time and its unraveling! Second question: How does Marius von Raum die?

 **Marius** : (uneasy) Ha, um, Nyarl?

 **Nyarl** : Of course, this is different in all universes, so don’t just guess octokittens- oh I’m being strangled by tentacles. Please hold.

[quiet gasping and struggling noises]

 **Marius** : (still uneasy) Ah, haha, yes, we, uh, we have a lot of laughs here. Lots of… [as struggling noises increase] ...good goofs… Dears? Can? We please maybe not?

[struggle dies down]

 **Nyarl** : (clearing throat while speaking) I’ll just, ah, give this answer for free- in this universe, Marius doesn’t die at all. Lyfrassir won’t let him!

 **Lyf** : (vaguely threatening) That’s correct.

 **Nyarl** : I know. You got super drunk and told me about your master keeping your friends and loved ones alive plan. I was touched that I was included.

 **Lyf** : (softening) You’re one of my datemates, Nyarl, I love you. Of course you’re included. I will become a double god killer if I have to.

 **Nyarl** : [purring softly] Okay. I love you, too.

[a few moments of quiet purring, and presumably affection being given]

 **Marius** : ...I’ve got another question-

 **Nyarl** : (fiercely) No! I’VE got another question! For Play Along At Home~!

 **Marius** : [sighs] Go on, then.

 **Nyarl** : What makes up a trustworthy government?

 **Lyf** : There… is… no trustworthy government?

 **Nyarl** : There it is! That is correct!

 **Marius** : Sometimes I worry this game is rigged, but you can’t argue with objectively correct answers like that.

 **Lyf** : You really can’t. Marius, did you have another Spyahoo?

 **Marius** : Actually, I have a Spreddit post today.

 **Nyarl** : Ooh!

 **Marius** : Yeah! This one comes from user “Cranne,” in the supspreddit sr/legaladvice, they ask, “I accidentally created an army of crow bodyguards. Am I liable if my murder attempts murder?”

 **Lyf** : Is. This fucking _Odin?_ Did Odin ghostwrite this?

 **Marius** : No, it was written less than two weeks ago, unless this is the future right now, which is is sometimes, or if it’s the past right now, like it will be. They say, “To make a long story short, I’m a late twenty-something living in Portland, Space Oregon. I had a pretty intense emo slash goth phase as a tween that I thought I had grown out of. A couple months ago, I was watching a nature program on our local station about crows. The program mentioned that if you feed and befriend them, crows will bring you small gifts. My emo phase came back full force and I figured that I was furloughed and had lots of time, so why not make some crow friends.”

 **Nyarl** : (fascinated) Uh-huh.

 **Marius** : “My plan worked a little _too_ well and the resident five crows in my neighborhood have turned into an army fifteen strong. At first my neighbors didn’t mind, and enjoyed it. They’re mostly elderly and most were in a bird watching club anyway. They thought the fact that I had crows following me around wherever I go outside was funny.” And here’s where it gets really interesting. “Lately, the crows have started defending me. My neighbor came over for a chat, and the crows started dive-bombing her. They would not stop until she left my yard.”

 **Lyf** : (quietly) Oh, _shit._

 **Marius** : (audibly grinning) “They didn’t make physical contact with her, but they got very close. Am I liable if these crows injure someone since I fed them? I obviously can’t control the crows. I would rather them not attack my neighbors. But since I technically created this nuisance, could I be financially on the hook for any injuries?” Right away, I’m just gonna say that I know nothing about law in Space Oregon. But you’re asking the wrong question entirely. You should be asking how you could _leverage_ your new power as the bird regent to overthrow your local power structures.

 **Lyf** : (gently) _Or,_ you could just. Give your neighbors some birdseed? Or slowly stop feeding them?

 **Nyarl** : Oh, I’m sorry, Lyfrassir, I wasn’t aware that we weren’t doing jokes on this episode.

 **Lyf** : You weren’t? I thought it was pretty obvious. I’m sure our listeners have noticed the complete lack of humor of any variety.

 **Nyarl** : That’s true enough.

 **Marius** : Lyf, I’m getting so fucking fed up of you never coming on journies with me. First you refuse to run away with me, then you refuse to entertain the idea of someone reigning over an army of crows, two things which were of course equally upsetting to me.

 **Lyf** : [sighs] Eventually the guilt trip will stop working, von Raum. 

**Marius** : (full of shit) But it hasn’t yet, right?

 **Lyf** : (tired) No, it hasn’t. My dearly beloved boyfriend is, of course, correct. Odin subjugated my system and she only had two ravens. You have fifteen crows, the objectively better bird. That’s easy math.

 **Nyarl** : He has a point.

 **Marius** : He does.

 **Lyf** : However, you do have to accept the risk that you may begin hearing voices singing to you in your dreams. Ignore them. Please, gods, whatever the cost to your sanity, _ignore them._

 **Marius** : (cheerfully) Luckily, ignoring them should be easy, thanks to the birdsong!

 **Nyarl** : That’s true! Fellas, you know who I’d really like to thank?

 **Lyf** : Who?

 **Nyarl** : I’d really like to thank our readers, who I’m sure may have had a difficult time of things recently, but who have stuck it out long enough to read this. I hope we’ve been able to provide some laughter for you.

 **Marius** : Once again, Nyarl, this is an audio medium, but we _all_ hope you’ve enjoyed, and that hopefully if things aren’t going so great right now, before long they’ll get at least a little brighter. It certainly means something to us, being able to make people smile for a bit.

 **Lyf** : Yes, thank you all so much for listening. We really do cherish each and every one of you. Our intro song was provided by my humanest boyfriend, Marius von Raum, a cover of a song by the band he is in, the Mechanisms. Thank you, dear, and thank you to the Mechanisms.

 **Marius** : It was my pleasure, love. Thank you, also, to Ashes, for funding us and for hopefully not shooting us when they see what a mess we made of the sponsors segment. Nyarl, can you give us that final?

 **Nyarl** : It would be my pleasure. This one is from Spyahoo answers user Carol, Carol asks: “I accidentally ate a bee. Could it make honey inside of me?”

[all giggle]

 **Nyarl** : My name’s Nyarlathotep.

 **Marius** : I’m Marius von Raum.

 **Lyf** : I’m Lyfrassir Edda.

 **Marius** : This has been _My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend and Me._ Kiss your god square on the lips.

[theme music, the instrumentals from “Tales to Be Told,” plays and ends]

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! hopefully you enjoyed- I know I really poured a lot of heart and soul into this fic since, uh. august lmao. much love to my partner alienea for letting me make this bullshit canon for their popular fic sfjdhkf
> 
> BIG thanks to orcamermaid (@kaijudyke on tumblr) for providing the yahoo questions and, of course, the wonderful pinup question. Your sacrifice and courage is appreciated, and I cherish you. 
> 
> take care of yourself, and if you liked this, please leave a comment and kudos! my crops need watering, and where else is someone gonna get validation in this gay and age?


End file.
